“Whelming”— First in a Series on Online Dating Tips and Faux Pas

Should You Unmatch Anybody Who “Whelms” You?

“Whelming” is a new term coined this week by Patia Braithwaite in Self magazine, and it’s already getting press for being the new dating trend. The term was actually used in the popular 1999 movie, 10 Things I Hate About You—long before dating apps—but it is pretty useful for today’s dating scene as well.

“Whelming…”, Braithwaite says, “…is what happens when my matches spontaneously lament about how overwhelmed they are by their other matches instead of, you know, flirting with me.”

In fact, “whelming” might actually be someone’s awkward attempt at flirting with you. Let me explain:

I believe that this bad dating behavior might simply be our evolutionary tendency to show off to attract a mate. Consider the peacock, who fans his beautiful tail to attract a peahen.  

Throughout the animal kingdom, this behavior is not limited to males. Certainly we know this is true of humans! Read here for a graphic but humorous description of how the female baboon flirts. Much less subtle than whelming!

But I digress.

When a potential date complains about being overwhelmed by all the attention they are getting on the apps, you probably think, “What a jerk. Shouldn’t they be asking me about myself instead? Don’t they even want to get to know me!”

Au contraire. Of course, it could be true that they are thoughtless and self-centered, but maybe, given the absence of an actual peacock tail, they are trying to show you how desirable they are.

True—It’s lame. Ideally they would feel confident enough to believe that if you got to know them, you would like them and want to date them. But the truth is, they know they don’t have much time. You are probably talking to a bunch of other people, and they need to impress you with their desirability, and they need to do it asap—so that they won’t be ghosted. (btw- are you guilty of that questionable dating behavior? Stay tuned for more in this series on online dating faux pas).

Now we arrive at one of the core problems of online dating. It strongly discourages getting to know someone IRL.

Online dating also favors the person who writes clever texts, over someone who is more personable in real life. If they say just the right thing, at just the right time, with just the right frequency—via text, that is— they’re chosen. Most people feel this is an impossible standard to live up to.

So they brag about being popular.

Except it sounds like complaining. It sounds like not being interested in you. It sounds f**ing obnoxious. Swipe left.

But is that really the best way to respond?

Sometimes people say things that indicate they are obnoxious and thoughtless, both on text and in real life. Don’t waste time on those people—at your office, in your neighborhood, or on your dating app.

But I would suggest that just because someone claims they are overwhelmed by matches, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a complete jerk. It might still be worth, you know, getting to know them a little. They might be trying to impress you, but they might also just be awkward or a bit insecure. Dating apps can make anyone insecure—you have probably felt this yourself at times.

So… if someone “whelms” you, give them a bit of a chance.

Remember the peacock.

Are You Feeling Overwhelmed By Dating?

Therapy can help you sort out your feelings, clarify your values, and find the best way to find your mate. Therapy can help you objectively evaluate that hot guy you had that date with last night and can’t stop thinking about. Therapy can help you determine if their slow responses to your text are a sign of disinterest or just a busy life— and it can give you tools to manage your anxiety while you wait!

Give me a call at 323-999-1537, or shoot me an email at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, to arrange your free in-office or phone consultation today!